The Capitalist Ventriloquist

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The Capitalist Ventriloquist

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“The Capitalist Ventriloquist” is a timely and delightful new musical comedy about dynastic hedge funds, the demands of billionaire investors, misguided parental expectations, and the struggle of the son of an imperious hedge fund owner for self-determination. He’s a mathematical whiz-kid whose father expects him to report directly to work after graduate school and create a trading algorithm that will protect the firm against lightning-fast computer trades, which sway the market to perplexing and perilous extremes. But the son’s inner voice since childhood tells him he’d rather be a ventriloquist – specifically, a singing ventriloquist.

The son’s alter ego is his dummy, Randy, who longs to be in show business but whose acerbic quips prompt the son to say, “Sometimes you sound just like my father.”

After graduation, the son dutifully takes his place at the fund. But instead of crunching numbers, he engages in stealth rehearsals with Randy behind closed doors. His father is in an especially touchy spot, because the boy is engaged to the daughter of his biggest investor, who only keeps his money in the losing fund for her sake.

The girl loves our hero, but she’s not too keen to walk down the aisle with a ventriloquist. Worst of all, the dummy is awfully easy to kidnap or maybe sell on line. The son’s only allies are his father’s secretary, who secretly admires him, and a wily talent agent who, remarkably, can’t exactly be bought.

ERIC

I KNOW YOUR RETURNS HAVEN’T BEEN
QUITE WHAT WE HOPED THEY’D BE.
BUT STICK WITH ME AND SOON
THEY’LL GROW LIKE A RED INK TREE —

(spoken) Excuse me. Of course, I meant to say “like a red oak tree” — a giant red oak tree!

HOW FORTUNATE YOU ARE
THAT MY INVESTMENT ADVICE
MAKES TRUSTING ANYONE ELSE
AS RISKY AS THROWING DICE.

I’M THE MASTER OF WALL STREET —
SO ADEPT AT HIGH FINANCE
I ALWAYS LAND ON MY FEET
AND SELDOM LOSE MY PANTS.

I KNOW THE RED AND GREEN
STOCK QUOTES THAT FLASH ALL DAY
ACROSS MY TRADING SCREEN
SEEM LIKE A CASINO IN PLAY.

BUT DON’T YOU WORRY.  DESPITE
THE OCCASIONAL SHORTFALL,
MY EXPERIENCE AND FORESIGHT
CAN EARN BILLIONS FOR US ALL.

(spoken) Oh, yes

I’M THE MASTER OF WALL STREET —
SO ADEPT AT HIGH FINANCE
I ALWAYS LAND ON MY FEET
AND SELDOM LOSE MY PANTS.

DON’T WORRY ABOUT A THING.
IF A BET GOES SOUTH, MY FRIEND,
OR WE GET A MARGIN CALL,
WE’LL COME OUT AHEAD IN THE END!

WHY, DUE TO OUR DEEP RESEARCH
AND UNCANNY INVESTMENT STYLE,
WE HAVE SOME CLIENTS WHO PURCH-
ASE THEIR OWN BAHAMIAN ISLE.

YES, THE OUTLOOK WILL ALWAYS BE SUNNY
IF YOU TRUST ME WITH YOUR MONEY,
YOUR RETURNS WILL BE ROBUST
AND, OF COURSE, YOU WON’T GO BUST
IF YOU TRUST ME WITH YOU MONEY —
TRUST ME WITH YOUR MONEY.

(PATTER)

I’M ADEPT AT STOCKS,
BLUE CHIPS AND PENNY,
I GO LONG OR SHORT
AND TAKE PROFITS ON MANY.

I CAN PICK A BOND,
TREASURY OR JUNK,
AND WHATEVER THE YIELD,
I CAN STILL EARN A CHUNK.

I CAN LOOK AT A FUND,
EVEN ONE THAT’S COMPLEX,
AND SEE RIGHT THROUGH
RIDDLES OF SPECS.

I WAGER ON FUTURES
AND GRAB IPO’S.
I DARE ON OPTIONS
AND OUTGUESS ALL THE PROS.

I GOBBLE UP TECHS,
NEWLY EMERGING,
AND DECISIVELY SELL
ONES QUICKLY SUBMERGING.

I BET ON THE EURO
OPPORTUNELY SOLD,
SPECULATE IN SILVER,
AND GAMBLE ON GOLD.

I SEEK OUT MARKETS,
NEAR AND FAR,
HOPING TO PROFIT
WHEREVER THEY ARE!

I DIVERSIFY
TO HEDGE MY BETS.
THOUGH DERIVATIVES
CRUSHED ME WITH DEBTS.

BUT DON’T LET THE FATE
OF LEHMAN AND BEAR,
MERRILL AND WAMU
GIVE YOU A SCARE.

THOUGH TRADING IS DONE
AT LIGHTENING SPEED,
WITH EMOTIONS IN CHARGE
CALLED FEAR AND GREED,
BY NERVOUS HANDS
RESPONDING TO NEWS
FLASHED ROUND THE WORLD,
HOW MUCH CAN YOU LOSE?

THOUGH WE’RE DRIVEN TO
AND FRO, THIS WAY
AND THAT, IN RESPONSE
TO REPORTS AND HEARSAY,
AND SO OFF A CLIFF
WE’RE ALL BOUND TO DASH
FROM TIME TO TIME.
DON’T TROUBLE YOUR MIND.
YOU KNOW MOST OF US
WILL NEVER CRASH,
SINCE OUR UNCLE SAM
WILL BE THERE TO CATCH
US IN HIS MIGHTY ARMS
AND DUTIFULLY PATCH
EACH BALANCE SHEET,
SO WE CAN ASCEND
ONCE MORE TO THE HEIGHTS
WHERE WE PLAY THE GAME
THAT HAS BROUGHT THE STREET
IT’S FRAGILE FAME.

(spoken) Ah, yes!

I’M THE MASTER OF WALL STREET —
SO ADEPT AT HIGH FINANCE
I ALWAYS LAND ON MY FEET
AND SELDOM LOSE MY PANTS.

AND, AS YOU KNOW, MY SON,
WHO’S A MATHEMATICAL WHIZ
AND YOUR DAUGHTER’S FIANCE’,
WILL SOON BE JOINING THE BIZ.

THEN YOU CAN REST ASSURED
WE’LL HAVE THE SMARTS TO OUT TRADE
EVER FIRMS LIKE GOLDMAN SACHS.
SO YOU, MY FRIEND, WILL HAVE IT MADE.

(spoken) Yes, yes, my friend!
THE OUTLOOK WILL ALWAYS BE SUNNY
IF YOU TRUST ME WITH YOUR MONEY,
YOUR RETURNS WILL BE ROBUST
AND, OF COURSE, YOU’LL NEVER GO BUST
IF YOU TRUST ME WITH YOU MONEY —
TRUST ME, TRUST ME, I URGE YOU,
AS A FRIEND, WHATEVER YOU DO,
TRUST ME WITH YOUR MONEY!

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